How to write the perfect pitch letter

When I started publicly blogging last year, I was pretty naive.   I had no idea that some people made money off this stuff.  Advertising.  Sponsorships.  Book deals.

Clearly, I had never heard of the Pioneer Woman.

I’ve never written here with the ultimate intent of making money.  First and foremost, I do this for me and for my kids.   However, I have to admit, the idea of monetizing something I spend a fair amount of time doing does have its allure.

My only problem?  Of the various unsolicited pitches I’ve gotten from different companies, none have appealed to me.  They just don’t seem to represent me, or what I feel comfortable promoting.

So I’ve decided to take matters into my own hands.  I’ve determined that maybe the best tactic is to approach brands that I want to work with, and sell my value to them.  With that, I’ve written a few pitch letters to various companies.

I’m thinking this kind of partnership would really be a win-win for both sides.

I just hope they realize what a good deal it would be for them.

Linked up to Mama Kat’s Writer’s Workshop.

Who stole my bacon?

It’s been a trying week in our household. I’m sorry to say that, over the past week, our family has been a victim of a terrible, heinous crime.

The perpetrator?

I know.  It looks harmless enough.  But don’t be deceived by the appearance.  Most recently, it’s been committing the most audacious of acts known to our family.

It’s been burning the bacon.

Point of clarification: the perpetrator I’m referring to is the microwave.  The poor little attached oven unit gets very little use.  Unless you count cooking tater tots as “baking.”   But the microwave gets a lot of use.  Especially when it comes to cooking up our breakfast every morning.

You know those boxes of Oscar Meyer microwaveable bacon that you pass by in the grocery store aisle?  Well, they are a staple in my house.  We go through maybe 3 to 4 boxes of that artificial, sodium-laden goodness every week.  Which may account for why our cholesterol levels top the richter scales.  But, that is a tale for a later date.

Anyway, this past week, “The Perp” suddenly and without warning started overcooking the bacon.  As in, goodbye, sizzling, perfectly brown slices of goodiness.  Hello, smoky, burnt pig aroma wafting throughout the house.  I can think of no greater crime for an appliance to commit in our house.

Getting rid of the microwave was a mixed blessing, actually.  In general, our kitchen has been a personal eyesore for me since we’ve moved in.  However, being the tightwad I am, I simply couldn’t justify replacing the outdated, yellowed appliances until they had run their course.  And in the age where everything breaks down immediately after their one-year-warranty expires, these suckers were 15 years old, and were still ticking.

So we waited.  For the day when they finally met their long-overdue doom, and we could finally replace them with something we liked.  When that day came last week, we gleefully and immediately removed the offending appliance, and set into motion a plan to replace it.

The only problem?

The new unit will not be delivered until Wednesday.  Which means we will be looking at this for the next three days:

And it also means I have approximately 72 hours to ponder some truly important thoughts.  Stuff like:

  • Which is the lesser of two evils: burnt bacon, or no bacon?
  • Will my kids go through pork withdrawals in the next few days?  Will I?
  • Can you cook microwave bacon on the stove top?  Where IS that frying pan, anyways?
  • It really is a good thing that I have this whole situation in perspective.  And that I am not at all dramatic.
  • How good is that bacon going to taste come Thursday morning?

Why daddy bloggers are deliciously evil.

There is a certain je ne sais quoi about daddy bloggers that I find so appealing.

Don’t get me wrong.  There are some truly amazing women, mothers and writers in bloggyland.  There is a sisterhood amongst mothers that is unlike any other, and I feel lucky to call some of these women friends.

But on a different plane, I’ve always been the type of gal that, on some level, has related more closely with men than women.  In college, I roomed with 5 guys.  (That went over really well with the folks, as you can imagine.)  My best friend is a dude.  Secretly, I think “pull my finger” jokes really are funny.

So when I happen upon a parenting blog written by a man, there’s something that draws me to it.  Here are some of the things I like about some of the daddy blogs – and bloggers – I interact with. Disclaimer: There may be some blatant generalizations and stereotyping in this post.  Maybe none more glaring than my use of the phrase “daddy bloggers.”  That said, here is my take.

Daddy bloggers are always amongst the first to comment on a post containing references to potty humor or farts.  I really love that about them.

On a related note, daddy bloggers often aren’t afraid to write about the big grumpy they took, or the epic wind they broke.  And sometimes it’s funny.  In a deliciously evil sort of way.

Daddy bloggers usually assume you’re being a smart ass, rather than being vicious or snarky.  And, at least in my case, they’re almost always right.

Daddy bloggers are, sometimes…quintessentially…guys.  They almost always get my references to poker, sports or deliciously evil things like bacon.  Mmm, bacon.

Daddy bloggers have been known to make not-so-thinly-veiled sexual references that I’m pretty sure I couldn’t get away with.  Pop’s balls pretty much epitomize all that is deliciously evil.

Daddy bloggers, at least the ones I know, aren’t usually caught up in the drama and controversy that sometimes engulfs women in bloggyland.  Maybe it’s because they recognize there are more important things to talk about.  Like poop.  And bacon.  Mmm, bacon.

And daddy bloggers aren’t afraid to reveal their sensitive side.  Sometimes they write about things that touch us to the core, or bring tears to our eyes.  Sometimes they write movingly about their children, or the women in their lives.  They write things that remind us of all that is good, and pure and beautiful about fatherhood.  Perhaps they remind us of some of the things we love most about the men in our own lives.

Yep.  There’s something about daddy bloggers that I find touching, hilarious, and deliciously evil all at the same time.  And with that in mind, I tip my virtual hat to a couple of my favorite bloggers with the Y chromosome.

Big Daddy Autism and Go, Pop, Go – I hereby present you with this Deliciously Evil Award.

As with past Deliciously Evil Awards, there are no stipulations with receiving it.  Meaning, you don’t have to pass this award on to anyone or tell us 10 things about yourself.  (Seriously.  I already know more about your bodily functions than I’d care to admit.)  I’d just be honored if you took it.  With my thanks.

It’s guys like you that make me think we might be better off with a little more testosterone in bloggyland.   Just don’t ask me to pull your finger.  I fall for that one every time.

Fugazi: It’s what’s for dinner

I made Fugazi for dinner tonight.  It’s a staple in our house.

What’s Fugazi, you ask?  Well, it’s not to be confused with fusili, which are those cute little spiral shaped pastas. 

Fugazi, as defined by the Nerd Mafia, means:

  1. Artificial, fake, false.
  2. Something that has no substance.

I struggle with getting my kids (the little ones and the big one) to eat their vegetables.  So, when it comes to preparing meals and snacks for my family, my motto is: “When life gives you veggies, make Fugazi.”  In order to do this, I’ve had to get deceitful creative, innovative and, at times, downright sneaky.

Here are my top 7 ways to prepare Veggie Fugazi:

  1. Fugazi with a side of meat.

    My kids, like their dad, pretty much think bacon is a fifth food group.  And really, can you blame them?  Mmm, bacon.

    But bacon is pretty handy for dressing up vegetables.  My theory?  Green beans, brussels sprouts, salad… if you put enough pig in a dish, they’re bound to get a bite of vegetable, even inadvertently. 

  2. Meat, fugazi-style

    When the bacon runs out, I whip out the fugazi meat.  Veggie sausage (not to be confused with Tofurkey, which I feel should actually be outlawed) is actually pretty tasty.  The kids gobble it up, and I don’t think they even realize it’s not actual sausage.  I’m actually not sure how many veggies are actually in veggie sausage, but at least the cholesterol/actual food ratio is a little more reasonable.  Unlike bacon.  Mmm, bacon.

  3. Crunchy Fugazi

    Veggie Booty is another staple in our house.  We go through a few bags a week.  Hey, there’s veggie in the name.  That counts, right? 

    Personally, I think the stuff tastes like cardboard.  But the kids go nuts for it.  And, it’s also pretty funny to see Chip sitting at his high chair, pointing to the pantry and screaming, “More booty, more booty!!”

  4. Fugazi with a side of Ranch

    I hate using this one.  But it works.  Kinda like the bacon thing.  When in a pickle, I’ll whip out the ranch dressing.  Because ranch makes everything better.

  5. Fugazi in a can

    Ah… there’s nothing better than fresh, crisp green beans, sauteed in a little butter and garlic.  To me, anyway.  My kids, however, won’t touch the things. 

    They prefer their green beans fugazi style.  As in, limp, dull, and canned.  Artificial green beans, if you ask me.  But, seeing as how they used to be vegetables at one point, I can’t complain too much about this one.

  6. Pasta Fugazi

    What type of Nerd Mafia man would I be if I didn’t make pasta?  And I’m not just talking about good ol’ Mac & Cheese; although that is another staple in my house.

    When I’m feeling particularly sneaky, I’ll make Lasagna Fugazi; otherwise known as vegetarian lasagna.  I’ve found that if you puree spinach together with the marinara sauce, even the most eagle eye little toddlers can’t pick out the green parts.

    I’m also a fan of the spinach and tomato flavored pasta.  It doesn’t taste that great all by itself, but when you throw in some cheese and bacon, it becomes an instant hit.

  7. Fugazi Bacon

    This one may be on the list, but I can honestly say I’m not crazy enough to try it.  I know what would happen if I dared to make faux bacon for my family.  All out revolt.

    And I have to say, they’re right about this one.  Some foods simply aren’t meant to have a vegetarian equivalent.  And bacon would be one of those. 

    I’ll get creative with the vegetables.  I’ll make substitutions where I think I can get away with it.  But one thing’s for certain. 

    Fugazi Bacon?  Will never be found in our house.

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What I’m getting my husband for Father’s Day

Father’s Day is fast approaching, and I’ve been racking my brain trying to come up with the perfect present for my husband.  So, of course, I turned to the internet, and found some really great ideas.

I’m still working on compiling my shopping list, but here are the top six gems I’ve come up with so far:

1.  You just can’t go wrong with bacon.
Mmm, bacon.  Jay loves bacon.  And, he actually needs a new wallet, so I was thinking about getting him this deluxe bacon wallet.  There are a whole pile of accessories I might purchase to go with this, including bacon lip balm, bacon air freshener, and bacon soap.  I have to admit, I am a bit stymied why anyone would want to wear bacon bandaids, but maybe that’s because I’m not a guy.  (I guess so you can lick your own wounds?  That’s just gross.)

2.  The Diaper Dootie Tool Belt.  
This puppy comes pre-stocked with everything you’d need to change the foulest of diapers, including a facemask, goggles and rubber gloves.  The designer tool belt also comes in other fashion colors, including white, but really, how practical is that?  If you’re going to get one, black is definitely the way to go.

3.  Cowboy Hat, ala Brunson
If you’ve never heard of Doyle Brunson, he is one of the great legends poker.  And personally, I think he’s adorable.  There’s something about a man sporting a cowboy hat and a million dollar smile that I can’t resist.  Since Jay’s already got a pretty great smile, I was thinking about buying him this cowboy hat, so he’d look more Doyle-ish.  Who knows, maybe it would bring my husband good luck at the poker tables, too.

4.  Cheat sheet for men
This handy little cheat sheet helps him remember your ring size, favorite colors, favorite flowers and more.  And it’s credit card sized, so it would fit perfectly in that bacon wallet.  It doesn’t have a spot for birthdates or anniversaries; you may want to consider jotting those on there as well.  Truly a thoughtful gift.

5.  Sometimes, it’s OK to drink and drive
When I saw this golf club beer dispenser, I literally oohed.  Jay loves golf, and he loves beer.  What could be more perfect?  This driver holds up to 48 ounces of his favorite brew.  And apparently it does not count as a regulation golf club, so he wouldn’t need to choose between his regular driver and his “beer driver”… he can bring both!

6.  He’s the Boss
I don’t usually buy my husband clothes, but this shirt caught my eye for some reason.  I think he’d look great in it.  And he will wear it.  Because I said so.

So here’s my dilemma.  All of these items are currently sitting in my shopping cart, and I seriously can’t decide which one to actually give him.  Who knows…perhaps I’ll end up buying them all.  I truly think every single one of these would be like the gift that keeps on giving.

What are you giving the dad in your life for Father’s Day?