Who stole my bacon?

It’s been a trying week in our household. I’m sorry to say that, over the past week, our family has been a victim of a terrible, heinous crime.

The perpetrator?

I know.  It looks harmless enough.  But don’t be deceived by the appearance.  Most recently, it’s been committing the most audacious of acts known to our family.

It’s been burning the bacon.

Point of clarification: the perpetrator I’m referring to is the microwave.  The poor little attached oven unit gets very little use.  Unless you count cooking tater tots as “baking.”   But the microwave gets a lot of use.  Especially when it comes to cooking up our breakfast every morning.

You know those boxes of Oscar Meyer microwaveable bacon that you pass by in the grocery store aisle?  Well, they are a staple in my house.  We go through maybe 3 to 4 boxes of that artificial, sodium-laden goodness every week.  Which may account for why our cholesterol levels top the richter scales.  But, that is a tale for a later date.

Anyway, this past week, “The Perp” suddenly and without warning started overcooking the bacon.  As in, goodbye, sizzling, perfectly brown slices of goodiness.  Hello, smoky, burnt pig aroma wafting throughout the house.  I can think of no greater crime for an appliance to commit in our house.

Getting rid of the microwave was a mixed blessing, actually.  In general, our kitchen has been a personal eyesore for me since we’ve moved in.  However, being the tightwad I am, I simply couldn’t justify replacing the outdated, yellowed appliances until they had run their course.  And in the age where everything breaks down immediately after their one-year-warranty expires, these suckers were 15 years old, and were still ticking.

So we waited.  For the day when they finally met their long-overdue doom, and we could finally replace them with something we liked.  When that day came last week, we gleefully and immediately removed the offending appliance, and set into motion a plan to replace it.

The only problem?

The new unit will not be delivered until Wednesday.  Which means we will be looking at this for the next three days:

And it also means I have approximately 72 hours to ponder some truly important thoughts.  Stuff like:

  • Which is the lesser of two evils: burnt bacon, or no bacon?
  • Will my kids go through pork withdrawals in the next few days?  Will I?
  • Can you cook microwave bacon on the stove top?  Where IS that frying pan, anyways?
  • It really is a good thing that I have this whole situation in perspective.  And that I am not at all dramatic.
  • How good is that bacon going to taste come Thursday morning?

13 thoughts on “Who stole my bacon?”

  1. Life without a microwave in our house would be completely tragic. The thought of not having one absolutely boggles my mind. Good luck to you and your family as you make it through this hard time 😉

  2. I do think you’ll appreciate it even more once you get it again. Though I’m not sure what to tell you about conquering your withdrawal symptoms.

  3. And now I feel compelled to get a bacon, egg and cheese on a bagel when I get to work this morning.
    Good luck dealing with the pork “withdrawal”. 😉

  4. Oh, I love me some bacon. Not burned, however…it just changes everything, kind of like non-alcoholic beer.

    But how much more would you love me to know that my hubs WORKS for Oscar Mayer? And my freezer is ALWAYS full o’bacon?

    That’s how I roll…..

    1. Wait… is this a joke… or are you serious??

      I don’t even know your husband, Sherri. But I’m thinking he pretty much scored.

      1. He married you.
      2. He (literally) brings home the bacon.
      3. He works at Oscar Mayer?? That is like my dream job. And my husband’s. I SO got into the wrong industry.

      1. Oh, this is not a joke.

        And you are so sweet to think he’s lucky to have me…can you talk to him, please?!

        I may have to bring bacon to BlogHer.

  5. This post touched me. I am praying that your new bacon maker arrives quickly and your faux pork nightmare ends sooner rather than later. Stay strong, woman. stay Strong.

  6. With your post I learned two things: 1. We definitely need a microwave here in paradise and 2. it’s possible to cook breakfast bacon in the microwave. And here are the two questions that follow these things I just learned: 1. Are we talking about the same type of bacon, you know, the slightly crispy one for breakfast and 2. Where do we get a microwave here in paradise? I n.e.e.d. one. Oh, and I have a 3rd question: what happened to the remaining fish?

    1. You don’t have a microwave in paradise? I can’t imagine. 3 days was torture for us. But, my guess is, you probably eat a lot healthier than we do, too. 🙂

      And the continuation of the fish story will be forthcoming. I got all flustered with the microwave pooping out.

  7. It’s Thursday morning. I fully expect your home to smell delicious and I half expect you and your kids to be covered in bacon grease after devouring numerous packages of microwaveable bacon.

    Also? Love the new avatar!

  8. I would be dramatic about our microwave going out! But, hey, it’s always exciting to get new appliances, right? Now I’m craving bacon…

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