It is amazing how much of our household conversation centers around poop. For the past four years, we have lived, slept, and unfortunately, breathed, our fair share of poo on a daily basis.
Bobo has coined her own terms for this as well. The other day, she told me she had to go #3 (which is, of course, when you have to go #1 and #2 at the same time. Her first math problem; it was a proud moment.) It is no coincidence that one of her favorite books is Everyone Poops.
And then there are The Five W’s of Poop – Who, What, Why, Where, When, and sometimes How. These are questions that you never thought you’d actually ask as a parent.
What
Example: “What have you been eating??”
This is actually a two-part question, followed by “How in the world could all of that come out of someone so little??” I never cease to be amazed at the variety in the consistency, color, texture and smell of the things I have discovered in my kids’ diapers. Some of the things that manifest in those tiny little diapers seriously frighten me.
Where
Example: “Where did the poop go?”
This one could be relabeled as “The poop that never was.”
To preface this, anyone who has ever visited our house knows that flatulence (and the accompanying jokes) run rampant at our house. You have to admit, fart jokes are pretty dang funny… be forewarned if you ever come to our house.
Anyway, there have been many times I have taken one of the kids upstairs to change their diaper, certain I would find a big one in there, only to come up empty handed. Meanwhile, my better half sits downstairs on the couch, giggling to himself at what he thought he got away with. I’m not fooled.
Why
Example: “Why is there poop on the bathroom seat?”
I’m not going to try to blame dad for this one; pretty sure I know the answer already. I won’t go into details on this one, other than to say that we have successfully potty trained, but not yet mastered the art of wiping. It is for this reason that I always look before sitting down.
When
Example: “When will my kid poop?”
Any parent who has dealt with constipation has probably asked themselves this very thing. When the deed is finally done, they probably regret they asked it in the first place.
How
Example #1: “How on earth did you get poop in your hair?”
We’ve had some epic blowouts at our house, but none as impressive as the time one of my kids had a poop that leaked out of their diaper, up the back of their shirt, and into their hair. In my opinion, any poop that can defy the force of gravity is one for the record books.
Example #2: “How long will I have to change diapers or wipe someone’s butt?”
This is not so much a conversation I have with anyone in my house, as much as it is something I wonder to myself daily.
Who
Example: “Who smeared poop all over the bathroom floor?”
This is the question I asked myself when I went to get a drink of water this morning and discovered a nice little surprise. The likely culprit is probably Boo; her litter box is in the kids’ bathroom, and she has been known to wipe her furry little butt all over the floor in a effort to loosen a dingleberry or two.
On the other hand, maybe this is also one of those questions that I don’t want to know the answer to…