I know you’re happy to see me. But the feeling’s not mutual.

People who’ve visited my house in the past have commented on how clean and organized everything was.  I never let them in on my dirty little secret.

I had a housekeeper.

It was a total luxury, I know.  But as a full-time working mom, it was a bi-weekly indulgence that I relished.  I looked forward to coming home every other Monday to a house that smelled like Pine-Sol.  The toilets were cleaned, the beds were made, and carpets were freshly vacuumed.  And the only finger I had to lift was to pull out my checkbook.  Well worth it in my book, I tell you.

Alas, with some recent changes at my day job, we’ve been looking at places where we might be able to trim the fat a little with our expenses.  And so we went through the checklist.

Gas budget? Um, have you seen gas prices lately?

Eating out less?  What? And skip our weekly Red Robin rendezvous?  But I love those bottomless steak fries!

Eliminating beer?  Hell no.

Housekeeping?  Sadly, yes. Since I was staying home more, we conceded that the housekeeper should be a thing of the past.  It was all up to me.

The only problem?  In the two years that we’ve had a housekeeper, I’ve gotten spoiled.  Lazy.  I no longer know how much time it takes to clean the house.  Or exactly where the cleaning supplies are kept.  Or how to use them.

Such was the case when I went to dust off the vacuum the other day.  And I discovered a few things.

  1. Vacuuming really does burn a lot of calories.  Forget the treadmill.  I was sweating like a hog by the time I was done.
  2. Judging by the fruit loops ground into the carpet, my kids don’t listen to me when I tell them “no eating in the living room.”
  3. Judging by the Cheetos ground into the carpet, my husband doesn’t listen to me when I tell him “no eating in the living room.”
  4. My vacuum cleaner might just be smarter than I am.

To clarify point #4, let me explain.

We have a Dyson.  And while it cleans really well (that’s the rumor I’ve heard, at least), the damn thing just has so many buttons and gizmos, I need to get the manual out each time I use it.

One such gizmo is a telescoping hose that you can use for cleaning those hard-to-reach spots.  And while I eventually figured out how to get the thing to go up, no amount of cajoling, pushing or cursing could get the hose to go back down.

So, after 20 minutes of figuring out how the vacuum worked, followed by 45 minutes of vacuuming, followed by another 30 minutes of trying to put the vacuum away, I was left with something like this:

The best I could figure, my vacuum cleaner was just really happy to see me.

I wish I could say the feeling was mutual.

15 thoughts on “I know you’re happy to see me. But the feeling’s not mutual.”

  1. you always make me laugh! Love it a vacumn on viagra. Mine stays hidden in the closet waiting to attack me in the dark 🙂

  2. Oh, that’s hilarious! And I agree, Hell No! to cutting out beer.

    I love my Dyson, by the way. I don’t know if it does the job better than my previous Hoover but I can tell you one thing: It Is LOUD. Sometimes my mom borrows it when the neighbors downstairs are acting up.

  3. I love my Dyson, especially because I get to feel superior for understanding it when other people can’t make it work. Like the husband and the children. Not that I don’t feel superior to them all the time, I just like having a reason.

  4. ppsshh! That’s funny.

    Also, some days I think the best thing about being a working mom is the justification it provides me for finding someone else to clean my house.

  5. This is funny to me, mostly because I just recently told me that he should never expect me to vacuum, ever. I will clean other things but I will not vacuum. IF he doesn’t change his expectations, it’s gonna lead to a lot of fights.

    To which he responded “Just so you know, laundry is my vacuuming.” And we conceded.

  6. I have been in your shoes for the past eight months. We let go of our housekeeper in January and I am still heartbroken. I simply cannot keep up. Our plan was to cut back expenses but it seems like that money is being spent on eating out more because I’m too overwhelmed by cleaning to cook dinner, or lunch, or breakfast!

    I keep telling myself that it’s better to have happy children than I clean house. Right? Good luck with your new “job!”

  7. You always make me laugh! I’ve never had a housekeeper, but if I had? I don’t know if I could ever let it go! (Though if I had to choose between that and the bottomless steak fries…)

  8. Oh I’m with you on being spoiled. I have a nanny for my boy and living with my parents – who by the way have a housekeeper – also make me spoiled. I haven’t cook/clean in ages but now that I’m staying home for a month and with the housekeeper + nanny went home for the big Ramadhan holiday, I’m about to cook dinner and I just cleaned! Gasp! Your viagra reference made me giggle!

  9. Maybe try ignoring it and see if its “happiness” decreases once more from lack of attention.

    I want a housekeeper! I can’t remember the last time my house smelled like Pine Sol.

  10. ohmygodohmygodohmygod.

    This is a little ludacris, but I could have written this post word for word. Even do to the every other Monday part. And about 2 months ago we lost our housekeepers and I don’t know how to work my Dyson.

    And The Surfer and I studied it and poked it and prodded it and yelled at it and twisted it and noogied it and tickled it and talked down to it until it finally let us figure out how to get all the dirt and crap out of the little dohickey part that catches all the cooties once it sucks it up.

    I still have no idea how any of the attachments work.

    Also? I didn’t realize I was supposed to be cleaning baseboards, ceiling fans and shutters. I am effed.

Comments are closed.