The pee that rocked my world

I could never have imagined that a visit to the ladies’ room would trigger such a barrage of self-doubt.

But it did.

As I sat there with the little box on my lap, my hands trembled.  I fumbled with the packaging, and scanned through the cryptic-looking directions.

I didn’t actually need to read the directions.  Or take a test.  I already knew.

But still, I waited.  For five minutes.  300 seconds that seemed to drag on forever.

When the pregnancy test came back positive, my mind became saturated with a potpourri of emotions.

I was ecstatic.  It was what we had dreamed, schemed and planned for.  But I was also overwhelmed.  And scared shitless.

I was immediately flooded with doubt, uncertainty and worry.  For most of my adult life, I had worked hard to build up the confidence and assuredness that had served me well.  I had built up skills, poise and savvy.   But when that line turned pink, all of those things toppled like dominoes.

Would I be a good mom?

Was there enough capacity in my selfish little heart to give to another human being that much?

Did I have what it took to balance a career and motherhood?

Would my marriage suffer?

Was my life as I knew it completely over?

Was I good enough?  Smart enough?  And doggone it, would my kids even like me?

Holy crap.  Is it really not just about me anymore?

Those doubts and worries stayed with me throughout my pregnancy.  In the subsequent five years, they’ve always been present.  Some have dimmed, some have morphed, and some have festered.  But they’re always there, lingering in the back of my mind.

And they all began to manifest with that pee that rocked my world.

Parenthood didn’t begin for me when my daughter was born.  That event was just the flesh-and-bones materialization of the hopes, fears and dreams I had birthed nine months earlier.  As soon as that faint double pink line appeared, I became a mother.

I peed on a stick.

And then the whole world shifted.

24 thoughts on “The pee that rocked my world”

  1. Oh I so remember all those emotions come flooding through at once. My first thoughts….”NO WONDER I have been craving the strangest of things” haha

  2. You are such a tease 😛 I had to read the post as fast as I could to find out if you were talking current events or past memories!!!! But yes, the POAS and seeing those lines is definitely a world shifting moment – both times 🙂

  3. When I got this post in my inbox, I thought it was going to be about potty training.

    I’m looking forward to the post “The poop that rocked my world.”

    Lovely post. Did you keep the stick? I heard some parents keep it.

  4. Beautiful. I can remember that moment twirling in my stomach…all the thoughts fears hopes excitement love all colliding into one. Peeing on a stick is powerful.

  5. Memmooorriiiiiieeeeessss…. I remember that feeling. Except, when I found out I was already an emotional basket case and about lost it on the toilet right before running outside flaling around with the stick in my hand looking desperately for Scott who was tearing our garage down (long story). Oh man, I think I just got chills.

    Oh, and Pop… OMG Gross!

  6. I so remember that feeling of instant joy followed by instant panic. You just know that you’re on a roller coaster and there’s no getting off the ride of your lfie.

    And those last two lines? Classic.

    (Visiting from TRDC.)

    1. Honestly, I feel a little like I took the easy end of the assignment, ’cause I’m sure entry into parenthood was one of the first things most people thought about when they read the prompts.

      If I do TRDC again, I may stretch outside my comfort zone a little more. 🙂

  7. Goodness girl, you nailed this one. Your writing was beautiful, as always, and your words poignant and relatable. Perfect. Well done, Mama! Well done, indeed!

  8. Yup, love the Pee that Rocked the World! LOVE.
    And yes, you did capture this perfectly. I too felt that way from the moment I knew I was having a girl.

    And what a creative way to describe the cacophony of emotions as potpouri. Wonderful

  9. I love this! I never had the pee on the stick moment. I mean— I peed on many sticks but they were never positive. My doctor told me. The pee stick sounds much more intimate for some reason. Great post.

  10. Oh, I love that you went this way with the prompt- and it’s so true and crazy that one little stick can change your whole world. I know that was the case with me both times, but especially with the first. Love this.

  11. Oh man, that took me back! I remember knowing, but not knowing, watching that timer tick the minutes away….and then my whole world changed. Bam.

    And they think it starts when they are born. Ha!

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