To: “Steve Jobs” <firstname.lastname@example.org>
From: “Booyah’s Momma” <email@example.com>
Subject: A plea for help. And possibly a free Apple TV.
You simply do not know what you are doing to me.
My infatuation started innocently enough. A while back, I decided to get an iPhone. My old Motorola was dying a painful death, and I figured it was a good time to trade up. Plus, I figured I could check my work email from my phone. Extra bonus!
I didn’t realize how quickly I’d get sucked in. Me. The person who used to despise cell phones with a vehement passion. I never thought it would happen to me.
I had became the very person I used to scoff at.
The woman who took her phone with her to the ladies’ room so she could catch up her blog reading. Who found herself madly texting her technophobe-40-some sister at midnight. Who gave her kids her phone at the grocery store, so they could entertain themselves with Elmo’s Monster Maker and she could shop in peace. The woman who found comfort in hearing the middle-of-the-night “Duh duh dum!” when her phone told her she had a new DM.
And that was only the beginning.
Because when I got my iPad for Christmas, it took the craze to a whole other level.
I admit, I poo-pooed the iPad when it first came out. I giggled every time I heard an advertisement for the things… maybe because I thought they always sounded like a feminine hygiene product.
Once I took it out of the box, though, I had to admit: it was pretty genius. A slippery sloped sort of genius.
I blame it on the apps.
Those glorious apps have rocked my world. I can’t go a day without checking my Smurf Village to bake Smurfberry muffins. When I’m in the kitchen, I pretend that I’m a Fruit Ninja, slashing up culinary delights for my kids. Ironically, I no longer even use it to check my work email. I now have Words with Friends.
iPhone. iTunes. iPad. iObsess.
All because of you and your evil plot to take over MacWorld.
My doctor thinks Apple just might be detrimental to my health. Because, when I went in to see her the other day because of this strange swelling in my thumbs, she actually diagnosed me with something far more serious.
I think she said it was Appleitis. Which I’m pretty sure is like Elephantitis, only much worse. I’m sending you a picture so you can see what it looks like.
Sorry for the bad picture quality, by the way. I took it on my iPhone.
Make it stop, Steve. Please. My kids, my husband, and my over-sized pile of dirty laundry implore you.
Your Biggest Fan
PS: Is the new Apple TV really as cool as it sounds?
Sent from my iPhone.
Edited note: I read this morning (after this post was already scheduled), that CEO Steve Jobs just announced a health-related leave of absence from Apple. Obviously, my timing couldn’t have sucked worse for a tongue-in-cheek post like this, but I decided to publish anyways. I wish you a speedy recovery, Mr. Jobs. And I mean that in all seriousness.