The birds, the bees, and the elephants

Since my kids are still little, I figured I had a few years to figure out the best way to broach the topic of the birds and the bees with them.  Apparently, I was wrong.

My first encounter with “the talk” came a few months back.  It was not planned.  And I was not prepared.

One warm spring day, we decided to go to the zoo.  Lucky for us, we went during elephant mating season.

I’d never seen an elephant willy before.  But let me tell you, it was a doozy.  To give you a mental picture:  Elephants are well endowed.  Very well endowed.  Seriously, it was like a fifth leg.

Seeing the reaction of parents was almost as much fun as watching the act itself.  Almost.  Momma hens rushed to cover their children’s eyes and shoe them away from the scene.  Meanwhile, every single one of the dads lingered, their mouths agape.  Many of the men whipped out cellphones and started taking pictures and sending them to friends.

As for me?  I couldn’t move.  In a weird way, I have to admit that I was a little transfixed.

My reverie was short lived.  “What are they doing, Mommy??” one of the kids shrieked.

Surprisingly, my own daughter had the answer.  “The momma elephant is giving the daddy elephant a piggy back ride!” she exclaimed excitedly.  I’m pretty sure I peed my pants a little when she said that.

Her comment made some of the moms giggle, and me breath a small sigh of relief.  As I watched the piggy back ride for a while longer, I felt relieved to know I’d temporarily dodged a bullet.  But after a while, Bobo got bored, and we left the elephants to make whoopy in peace while we went off to see the monkeys.  None of which were in heat at the time.

For the rest of the afternoon, I waited for Bobo to ask follow up questions about the elephants.  Stuff like, “Why do daddy elephants have two trunks?”

I rehearsed the answers in my head.  The questions never came.  Thank god.  Because, as I mentioned, I was not ready to have that talk yet.  And, I’m pretty sure, whatever answer I gave would have made me feel like a complete and total asshat.

Here’s hoping I have a few more years left before I have to think about having “the talk” again.  Or, at least until the next time we visit the zoo.

Kludgy Mom
#64.  I wasn’t ready for it

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The WoW is asshat.

6 thoughts on “The birds, the bees, and the elephants”

  1. My advice – stick with the "piggy back" story until their wedding nights. Better yet, fake hearing loss every time the topic comes up.

  2. Hahaha thanks for the good laugh this morning! Oh I do not look forward to when it's time for The Talk. lol

  3. Man, I would have been so disappointed to be there with my kids – because how can you not stand stunned to see what's happening?And then, the questions would suck too. So when exactly is elephant mating season?

  4. No way! That's awesome timing! :)My sister went to Africa on her honeymoon and videotaped some elephants bumping uglies, and you are tellin' the truth! It's like the second trunk has a brain of it's own and "feels around" for the proper landing spot. Kinda disgusting, but completely fascinating. I had nightmares for weeks after watching that video.

  5. hahahahaha! We had something similar happen to us…only with ostriches, of all things. As I tried to get my kids to look elsewhere my mom said, "Well…we're getting an education here, aren't we?" And I almost peed in my pants a little myself when I read the piggyback comment.

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