The Very Hungry Momma

In the light of the moon, a little egg lay waiting.

One candlelit evening, after a romantic dinner and a few martinis, the egg was, well, bombarded.  And… pop!  It started to grow.

When the egg was discovered, the parents were ecstatic.  They immediately dubbed the little egg “Chip.”  Because, as they explained to their daughter, it was only the size of a chocolate chip.

But as “Chip” grew and grew, it created a tiny, and very hungry little momma.

She started to look for some food.

The first trimester was rough.  She ate through 6 boxes of Saltine crackers, a dozen 2-litres of Ginger Ale, and a ginormous bag of lemon drops.

Alas, even though she felt like ralphing all the time, she was still hungry.  It’s just that nothing sounded appealing.

But by the second trimester, her appetite returned with a vengeance.  She ate through 10 rotisserie chickens, 23 Big Mac Meals (super sized, of course), countless slices of pepperoni pizza and a 5-gallon tub of Red Vine licorice.

And she was still hungry.

By the third trimester, she was on a roll.  She was eating through a jelly donut every morning, as well as any other food that dared stand in her way.

But she was still hungry.

Sometimes, after hoovering all of the non-perishable edibles in the house, she’d have a tummy ache.  Her doctor called it heartburn.  She ate through one bottle of Tums.  After that, she felt much better.

And after that, she wasn’t hungry anymore.  Because there simply wasn’t any room on her little frame left to accommodate any more food.  And she also wasn’t a little momma anymore.  She had gained almost 50 pounds, and was now a big momma.  She was ready to burst.

So she made a nursery and decorated it lovingly with stars and cowboy hats fitting for a little buckaroo.  She nested.  She cocooned.

One night, she was awoken by some strange stirrings from within the cocoon.  They made their way to the hospital.

Where they waited.

And waited.

And waited some more.

Through multiple episodes of Cash Cab.  Through a dozen games of solitaire.  Through nine hours of watching the lines of the contractions make pretty little hills and valleys up and down the paper.

In the midst of this she felt a familiar rumbling in her stomach.  She was hungry.

She asked for food.  A banana, a cracker, a jelly donut… anything besides popsicles and water.  She pleaded.  They denied.

“It won’t be long now,” they told her.  “Just a little while longer, and then we’ll get you something to eat.”

So she waited some more.  And, finally, it was time for him to arrive.

And when he emerged?  She suddenly forgot getting something to eat.  She instantly forgot about the months of morning sickness, and the pain.  She forgot about how tired she was, or the ravenous hunger that gnawed at her belly.

All she could think was that he was the most beautiful thing she had ever seen.

Happy belated birthday to my sweet Chip.  How did two years fly by so fast?

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28 thoughts on “The Very Hungry Momma”

  1. Oh…so adorable!

    And this hungry little mama once at almost an entire Round Table pizza while a coworker hid in the corner of the booth.

  2. Cute as he is, I’m surprised you didn’t eat him.

    Also, I never quite understood the sentiment, “You’re so cute, I could eat you,” until I had a kid.

  3. THAT is so, so, so, so, so sweet! I love it. What a gift to give to your little Chip. He’ll treasure this so much when he gets older.

  4. There is simply no eating like pregnant eating. Kind of spoils you a little! Happy Birthday to your sweet Chip! Love the picture of that sweet face!

  5. I think I may have a chip in my belly too. Can’t wait for mine to come out so this hunger will pass. Is 44 years normal to carry a chip to term?

    Anyhoo. Happy bday Chip!

    1. Just to be clear…

      My bun is out of the oven. But the hunger (and muffin top) still remain.

      Hooray for long gestation periods, I say. So, yes, 44 years is perfectly normal.

  6. Darn you for having such a funny post with such a touching ending! I don’t know whether to laugh or cry! I loved this book, and my dog even has a stuffed Hungry Caterpillar as a toy.

    And Chip? Beautiful. And how is he 2 already?

  7. Seriously T H E cutest baby picture ever!

    Saltines, ginger ale and lemon drops was exactly my diet too. SAucking on lemon drops was the only way I could swallow my own saliva! Ichhh, I’m gagging just thinking about it. I’m not even going to mention the Red Vine’s now…

  8. awww. What a very clever way to write such a nice birthday tribute to your son. When he is older he’s really going to appreciate that. 🙂

  9. Oh honey! Happy birthday to your sweetie pie!! And seriously could this post have been more creative? And fun? And darling? Okay, I’ll stop gushing now. But seriously: CUTE post! XO

  10. This is an awesome post. I love it! Um…I gained 80 pounds with my first one. Because I would totally get a Big Mac meal, supersized, and add a cheeseburger to it. And eat it all. And still wish I had more fries. You can see why I got a lecture at every appointment.

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